Tour with Archivist Shiren and Stig Redfin - September 7th, 2000

Original transcript kindly provided by John Freeman, former VZSciFi project manager.

Screenshots from the tour are displayed throughout the transcript at the time they happened in the tour.

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: So you lump of T'Chellian fur, where have you been hiding? Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Oh, it's so nice to be so appreciated

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Well, it's not as if you have been around much.

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: You can't talk. I think you just drop in for these events and then flip off to another dimension

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Not true, I love it here

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: I don't believe you

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Believe what you like, scuzzball.

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Invariably

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Now it's out with the words bigger than my face to confuse me

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Which is not such a hard thing to do, Stig

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Hmm. Have you and the Space City Council decided when you will open Aqua yet?

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: No

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: No? That's it? No?

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Yes

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: So, are you going to tell me where you have been for the last month?

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Meditating

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Meditating? Where?

[Shiren refuses to say. A strange silence ensues as the pair wait for the fabled Linsue, who does not appear].

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: La la la

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Your singing is as bad as ever

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Thank you. Well, since we don't have anyone from VZones here today, how about I show you what it's like? I was going to ask you if I could include the place on my tours, anyway.

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Very well... but proceed carefully. There have been reports of a Cuddly Dudley beast on the prowl, and we should take no chances with it.

[Cuddly Dudley: A mythical alien beast who issues gifts only to demand strange tasks to be performed to a ridiculous deadline. Also known as Middle Management.]

[The pair enter Entrance to VZSciFi. Two VZoners watch without comment.]

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: It's very green

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Not as green as Harvax

[They proceed to the Entrance to Detroit]

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: And this is 'Detroit'. Apparently they make motor cars here but I have never seen one

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: It looks nothing like the hoovids

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Hoovids? Oh, Holovids. Nope

[Holovids: 28th Century mass entertainment. Replaced by the TriCube after it was discovered Holovids caused people to stop talking to each other thinking the programming was Better Than Life]

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Let's go look for cars, and then we can play spot the telephoine box in London. I hear that place is just like the real London used to be in the 21st Century.

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Is this all you do with your time?

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Yep

[The pair explore several locales but find no-one to torment]

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: So, Detroit is as unpopular as Aqua then?

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: It certainly looks that way

[In desperation for conversation, our brave pair risk the VZones Entrance, where everyone seems to talk by ESP]

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Morning, all. Just on a tour... Thought we'd come to visit

[Silence ensues. Undaunted, they continue]

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: And this is the gate of the Promise Park. I don't think this locale has changed since I first saw it, unlike everything else...

[They continue to Desert Sands Park]

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: This isn't green!

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: No this is one of the new areas, with lots of camels apparently. Windswept and interesting?

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: I think I prefer jungle

[Suddenly, the dreaded Cuddly Dudley appears, dressed as an Ukrann in an orange skirt]

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Look out! It's a secret Dudley

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Run for your lives!

Cuddly Dudley: Happy birthday!

[Dudley gives Shiren 10 tokens]

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Woo! You are a lovely Ukrann

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Don't be fooled, it's a Dudley. Beware Dudleys bearing gifts... They will want something done to an impossible deadline

Dudley: Yes, about the cleaning of the Expressways with this toothbrush. I need it done by lunchtime...

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Sounds like the Matriarchs to me -- run!

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Yes, that seems about right

[Fleeing the Dudley as it continues to issue presents, the pair meet with some uncommunicative Goths in Silicon Valley]

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Why is there a Human head on the wall?

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: This place is like that... people leave things everywhere

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: I am not sure I like all this sun stuff... Can we go back to Space City now?

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Ok

[They continue to Promise Park, pursued by the Dudley, now with a strange head]

Dudley: Hello, would you like a gift? I have this toilet in my pocket...

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: That is a pathetic disguise. We know it's you. You see, Shiren, the Cuddly Dudley has more than one head

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: And there is another dangerous being!

Isaac Allison (for it is he, once a builder of worlds): Hola! [he vanishes]

Cuddly Dudley: would you like head? [it vanishes]

dacers: hi

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: This lady has visited our artificial planet, Technos

dacers: lol

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: G'day... How are you?

dacers: just fine and you?

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: We are just on a mega groove

dacers: cool

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Wrong time period Stig, that is 1960s talk

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Ooops

dacers: lmao

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: So anyway, this is part of the park that some never leave

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Are they glued to the ground?

dacers: some are, yes... lol

Hula: lol

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: No, I think they like all the electronic pollen up their noses

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: ah... I am not so keen on pollen myself -- it turns me brown

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: I did wonder about that skin tone

dacers: Me neither, makes me snezze..lol

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Nice to see you all, we will continue our exploration

dacers: nice to see you too

Hula: have a good oneī

dacers: have fun

[Stig diverts to Seattle, just to annoy Shiren who is now becoming anxious about being stuck in the 21st Century]

[Shiren became more worried that Stig was leading to some awful place. Photoscan by Mr. Templeton.]

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: And this is Seattle

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Wil we see Frasier?

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Shiren -- he wasn't real you know

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: I refuse to believe that

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: You and your silly 21st century mythology

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: ... and yes, it is true it is always raining in Seattle -- see?

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: How do Humans live in such liquid conditions?

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: I have no idea, but I rather like it

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Give me a jungle anytime... I thought we were going back there, anyway?

[They return to the Entrance to Seattle and meet a bemused newcomer]

[Stig and Shiren greet a bemused newcomer to VZones during their impromptu tour of the fabled dimension. Photoscan by Mr Templeton.]

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Hi newcomer

[Entering Locale: Entrance to London]

[The team spot a member who is bleeding profusely]

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: That human is unwell

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: It's just special effects

[Entering VARiATiONS (VZC)]

[they scare a few residents]

RedsKitten: they've landed... ohhh

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: We have been here all the time

[Entering Locale: Entrance to Detroit]

[Stig indicates a member who has not moved since they were last there, as CardMonkey arrives]

Cardmonkey: Hey ĩ

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: You see? Some of them are glued down

Cardmonkey: What are ya'll doin ķ

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Hi Cardmonkey... We've just been having a look around

Cardmonkey: Ohh ķ

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Thought I would tour VZones for a change

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: You?

Cardmonkey: Just walkin' around ķ

Cardmonkey: See ya ĩ

[The errant pair finally return to the Entrance to VZSciFi]

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Thank goodness. I am I glad to be back there

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: um, here

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: That place is so confusing. I am sure I would get lost out here without your help

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: np

[Entering Locale: View of Space City]

[2 ghosts watch proceedings]

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Hi ghostees

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: hello transient beings

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Not in a party mood, obviously

[They settle in the Dropzone Bar in Space City]

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Well, I am not so sure you should take people on a tour outside the dimensional portal, Stig. I think it is far too dangerous

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: And I don't think we can extend your licence to cover it

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Aw... Not even the desert part?

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: No. It is far too hot for we of the T'chell

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Good afternnon, Hoom. How are you on this fine Space City day

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Pretty good, you?

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: We are having fun

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Thats great ģ

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: I am trying to persuade Shiren to extend my tour license

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Why not ķ

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: I want to take people on tours of Promise Park. But he says it is too dangerous

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: And far too hot... Especially the desert

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Can you speak any languages other than English?

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Hmm, en petit peu francais

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: lol

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: I could speak Ukrann... But it is too high pitched for you to hear

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Ohhhhhh ķ

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: ... and it always damages my ear chambers

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Can you speak other languages?

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: No ą

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Are you learning?

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Nope ķ

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Hmm... then it will be difficult to speak them

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Well, duh!

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: He is so straightforward sometimes

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: lol

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: I want to learn German

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Ah, sprechen zie deutsch? Haben zie ein Volkswagen?

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: You know, I swear he meditates too much.

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: lol

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: One month is normal for we T'Chell

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Yes, but in the middle of a spider pit?

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: It focuses the mind

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: So, where are you from? I think I will get more sense from you than my friend here

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Earth ķ

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Then again, maybe not

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: lol

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: What part of your planet? Land or sea?

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: The US... Land ķ

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: You ae having your 'election year' are you not?

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Yep ķ

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Democrats and republicans, Stig... and some that have fallen between the cracks

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Independants ? ķ

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Yes, I think that is what he means. Will you be voting?

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: No ķ

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: tee hee... Anarchy strikes again

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: lol... Just too young

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Of course, you may be too young?

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: You see Stig? I am psychic

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: You mean only oldies can vote? That's terrible

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Over 18

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: I mean, they have already done the damage... You have to live with what they decide? That sounds very unfair

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: lol

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: On my planet, only under 20s can vote. Then they have to live with the consequences if it all goes wrong

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Do you know this guy behind me? She points at the barman.

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Yes, he is a stingy git

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: lol

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: He will only give you one drink. His father was much nicer but he got arrested

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: What for?

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Dealing in weird drugs that made you fat

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: lol... Here you are Shiren, have a drink ķ

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Why, thank you muchly... Cheers, as you humans say

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: You're right. He only gave me one drink

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: I keep complaining but the Space City Council just say I should pay for them

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Hey, wanna frame him?

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Yes, how do we do that?

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Oh my god!

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Cover your ears shiren

[The team discover there can be head on a beer, but not one they would like if they were English.]

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Its a man's head! He killed him ī

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: In the beer! He left a head in the beer!

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: only the english do that

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Where are they authorities ?

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: I am the authorities, but it's my day off

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Tomorrow, arrest him ķ

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Yes, this is a serious matter

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: You are setting him up for a 'fall' I belive

DaCook: hi

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Good day da Cook

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Hey, how's it going

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: We have just found a head in the beer

DaCook: Wow, the first time i seen anyone here

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: We're going to complain to the council

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: We're usually here on a Thursday at this time, after my tour

DaCook: tour?

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: I run a tour at 9.00am every Thursday. But today we went to vzones to see the new desert

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: it was very hot

DaCook: Oh, nice ill have to come some time

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Yes, do, we need to keep stig out of trouble

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Are you saying I get up to mischief?

DaCook: lol

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Who else put all that seepweed in the expressways? Who nearly destroyed this place with illegal time travel?

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: That wasn't me, it was the Luddites. And you know it

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: The jury is still out on the seepweed tho

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Who was responsible for the early opening of Harvax

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Yes! Answer that. Stig

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Well, even Mr T said that was Luddites

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: It was you that sold them the telport codes though

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Erm... was it?

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Uh oh

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Are you sure you're not thinking of Grigor?

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Teleport Codes?

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: erm... Yes, maybe I am. You two always look so alike I get confused.

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Charming! He's ugly!

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: Where is Grigor?

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: But we have abolished that unfair tax

[Time to go home, time to go home, Stig is waving goodbye. Oh no he isn't. Rotter.]

DaCook: g2g

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: Bye

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: bye bye see tyyou agin

ĪĨHabaņeroĪĨ: I must be going as well... see you ģ

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Oh dear, just when our day was getting better

Stig Redfin of the Ukrann: Well, do I get the license?

Archivist Shiren of the T'Chell: No